God's Hand

If you had of asked me on any day closely following September 13th of last year where God was, I don't know that I could have answered. I went through a lot of questioning, guilt, anger, tears, fears, denial and just about every other emotion there is known to man. I had no idea why we had to lose our son after losing our first baby, Alex, too. It seemed completely unfair and wrong. I still don't know why we had to lose Ben, why he couldn't be like other NAIT babies that make it but might have some issues, but I believe one day I'll know, but when that day comes I'll be so happy to see my two children I probably won't care one bit. I do know that if it wasn't for Ben and what happened to him, and the fact that Andrew and I kind of flippantly decided to see the high risk specialist for the 20 week ultrasound, and that he was so on the ball about suggesting testing for us, and that they made this diagnosis only about a week later than they would regularly start treatment so we didn't really lose any time, I don't know what we would have done. Those were all God things for sure. It's still hard sometimes but I know that He loves us and He's not doing these things to hurt us. I'm just thankful that we know everything we do, we have the doctors that we do and Emma is getting the best treatment for a fighting chance that she can get right now. Off to the doctor now, and we should be getting an ultrasound so we can see her sweet face again. Friday will probably be my first treatment. I'm not really scared, just nervous I guess. I don't know what to expect... Probably just a big case of boredom. But they could have told me that standing on my head all day everyday was the treatment and I would do it without question. Anything for little Emma...