Heartbroken

Hard to believe that after my last post I did go into labor on my own... I had been having some pains at nite for a few nites... Monday during most of the day I was uncomfortabl but didn't honestly think I was in labor... By about 1030p on Monday evening, I was watching the Broncos game and the pains were getting more regular... I watched the game till about 2a when it ended, still in pain... Tried every possible position to sleep in (in bed, on the floor, in a chair) and nothing helped relieve the pain long enough to sleep... by about 4a I called the doc b/c I still wasn't sure about it really being labor b/c all my pain was down low and logically and from my memory (I was supposed to go to the doc on the 13th for probably the first appointment that they would probably discuss labor stuff)I thought that contractions should be high, not low... When I told her I wasn't sure I was in labor, I think she almost hung up on me! She then told me that it sounded like early labor and to just go to the hospital at 3-5 contractions... So I got in the shower to try and relieve the back pain I was having and by about 6 or 630, I think, I got Andrew up and we started to pack a bag for the hospital and get around to go.

Arrived at the hospital and got put into Triage... Waited there a bit and they got me on the monitors. They then got me into a labor and delivery room where they got my IV going and took blood samples. After a bit, the doc came into see us and explained they were a little concerned about Ben's heartrate not flucuating like it should and he showed us some other baby's heartrates and Ben's in comparison. He then broke my water with his fingers (ouuuuuuuuch) and said there wasn't much of a gush like there should be and he also put an internal monitor on Ben. Then he said he'd be back shortly after a few contractions and see what was happening then. About 20 minutes later he and the nurse came back and said that they weren't seeing an improvement in Ben's heartrate and that since I was only 75% effaced and about 2-3 cm dialated, they didn't think that Ben could go thru a day of labor and that they wanted to do an emergency Csection...

When they said emergency they weren't kidding! They had me in there in about 20 minutes, if that... At this point we still had no clue that something was actually *wrong*, just thought things weren't progressing like they should. They got me all set up in surgery and started going to town on the Csection (I've been told that non emergency ones aren't that bad, but this was a little rough, even though all I could feel were the tugging and pulling sensations). Ben was born at 1044a. They worked on him a bit to get him breathing on his own and such, but the first obvious problem was that his head was way larger than it should have been, making it obvious that he had fluid on the brain. They took Ben and Andrew to the special care nursery while they finished up my surgery and took me to recovery.

My mom joined me in recovery and we waited for Andrew or someone to come back with news... Andrew finally made his way to me telling me that not only did Ben have a lot of fluid on the brain, his lungs were underdeveloped and there were probably a few other things wrong. He went back with Ben and they took me to another room in labor and delivery (although I have no recollection of this room) and were going to bring Ben and Andrew to me. However, Andrew told the doctor in the SCN that there was no way he wanted to do anything other than try to get Cincinnati Children's to accept Ben and get a second opinion, so they took me to Ben and Andrew. We were with him while they prepped Ben for transport, got acceptance from Cincy and waited for Cincy to bring an ambulance, crew and doc to Kettering.

When they finally arrived, the doc from Cincy was also not very optimistic, but we told them we didn't care, we wanted him transferred so they could do more tests/exams and get more information. Andrew left with Ben, and his parents were going to meet him in Cincy while my parents stayed with me. I can't remember times but this was getting later on in the day... They moved me to Mom & Baby and we waited for word from Cincy... Andrew called eventually to tell me that the doctors down there were running tests, but a brain scan showed that Ben had suffered multiple bleeds on the brain at some point about 4-6 weeks prior to labor (which, by the way officially started on 36 weeks and 5 days, delivery on 36 weeks and 6 days). The doctors at Cincy said that the bleeds killed too much brain tissue to sustain Ben's life. We then arranged for transport of Ben back to Kettering as he was stable enough to do so and it was easier than getting me released to go to him.

After finding out the news I called my mom to come back to the hospital (she had gone home to get her dogs and take them to our house as she would spend the nite there with Andrew's parents since we'd be in the hospital) and my dad, mom and I waited for Ben & Andrew and his parents to get to Kettering. I think they got there about 10p or so...

After they got back to Kettering, they got Ben set up in the SCN again and took the grandparents down so they could see him a last time, and then took me down so that Andrew and I could finally hold our son, take him off the life support and say goodbye. Like I said, I think we went down there about 11p maybe and they pronounced Ben at about 212a... It's so hard for me to believe we were there with him for 3 hours... Seems like it was much quicker and slower than that at the same time. Definitely the most precious 3 hours of our lives though. Ben held on and fought for quite a bit after the support was taken off... probably about 2 hours on his own. He was such a brave little fighter.

After we said goodbye we went back to our parents and they left a little later and we tried to sleep (after all, I had at least been up for about 36 hours or so by that point...)... The next day we had a lot of nurses, doctors, etc coming and going and thankfully my doctor agreed to let me go home that day. Andrew and I were home by about 6p... The next day we went to the funeral home for arrangements and spent time with our parents...

Friday morning was the second worse day of the whole ordeal as we laid Ben's body to rest at 10a in a private graveside service. It was absolutely lovely but so heartbreaking...

It's so hard to comprehend that September 13, 2011 started off as the most exciting and terrifying day, and soon became just the most terrifying and that September 14, 2011 would soon become the hardest, worst day of our lives, and that September 16, 2011 would be the day that we would lay our son's earthly body to rest. It's so hard to know that the blanket and outfit and hat that we took for Ben's coming home outfit would end up being the last outfit his earthly body would have on. It's so hard to be in a house without our son, after all we did to prepare his room and our new life as a family of 3. It's so hard to be just a family of 2 after all of that anticipation and preparation.

I know that right now, Andrew and I are going to grieve as much as we can, as best as we can and try to figure out where life goes from here. I can't be more grateful for my husband, our parents, our family and our friends. Thanks for your support, comfort, prayers, and, at this time, space. Please know that while you may feel like you're not doing enough or the right thing, you are. We appreciate everything. But most of all, we appreciate that God gave us 15 hours and 26 minutes with our precious, perfect son. While we selfishly wanted to much more than that, Ben is in the most perfect place for him right now, where he can play with his older brother or sister, our loved ones that have passed and all our little dogs and other pets that are up there :) Letting him go after loving him for 36 weeks and 6 days was the hardest thing we've ever had to do, but I couldn't begin to wish for a better life or body for him than the one he has now.