Holidays

I don't have a clue where to start. I just need to vent and write out feelings and this seemed as good of a place as any to do that. Thanksgiving wasn't has awful as I thought it would be, nor was Kate's wedding, but I am so so so dreading Christmas. I am usually so absurdly excited about Christmas... I put up my decorations the day after Thanksgiving and leave them up til New Year's Day. I watch the Muppet's Christmas Carol a billion times. I listen to tons of Trans Siberian Orchestra and see them in concert. I sit down and write out all my Christmas cards and wrap all my gifs with such care. I started to put up decorations today and it broke my heart. I couldn't stop crying while I did the decorations around the house or put up the lights outside. I had to toss "Baby's first Christmas" and a "Grandma loves you" ornament into the nursery... My heart is breaking so badly tonight. I can't even imagine how horrible it's going to be when it's really Christmas. I wanted to be able to go buy Ben his first Hallmark ornament instead of a "in memory of" ornament at the mall. I wanted to hang Ben's stocking by Andrew and mine, and not have to hang up Linus and Zoey's instead. I wanted to shop for his first Christmas outfit. I wanted to take all those billion of pictures of him picking out the Christmas tree why he's in a little snow suit and pictures decorating the tree and pictures by the tree... It was supposed to be a fun Christmas with two babies, now it's just going to be that much worse. I just wish my son was with us more than anything, ever... It just hurts so bad...