Emma's Here!

It's been a crazy 4 days! On Tuesday, August 14th, we came to the hospital at about 6a and got admitted and all that good stuff. Surgery started at just about 0800 and Emma was here by 0834! She came out crying and the doctor even said "that's a cranky look"! Her platelet counts were low at 39k so she was admitted to NICU and given a platelet transfusion and an IVIG treatment. The next day her numbers were up to 144K, dropped again the next day to 126K (I think) and then up to 170K and today are 185K! It's been a little hard the past few days as I'm on the 2nd floor and she's on the 1st and so late nite feedings have been interesting and a little difficult to say the least. It will be so so nice to get her home and just have her in the next room! Will also be great to finally have her 'wireless'... We have quite a few doctor appointments coming up but she is doing great!

EEEK! E-day is tomorrow!

had our last doc appoitment and NST today... all went well, was good to finally meet the doctor doing the c-section :) All went well, nothing exciting, just talked about what's gonna happen tomorrow and about follow ups and testing and such. They say I should only be in for 3 days and am hoping that she'll only have to be in 3 days too. We'll find out soon enough! Have to be at the hospital at 6a and should get started around 8a!

yikes!

Well 10 days from today Emma will be here! I can't believe it!! Went in Monday for the non-stress test and she didn't quite pass so we had the 'checkup' ultrasound and all looked great. Then had a regular ultrasound yesterday. She's doing great! Between 5.5 and 6.1 lbs, a little bigger than average which is great since she'll be a preemie, a little extra weight will help her! And apparently she has 'a lot' of hair... hopefully it's all over her head and not mullet style :)

4ish

Wow. 4 weeks to go! Crazy. Nothing really new to report since last update. Ended up not having gestational diabetes, yay! Have started on iron supplements and prednisone and everything is going okay with those. Starting this week I have to have bi-weekly non-stress tests. Joy. So in addition to going to the hospital on Thursdays I have to go Mondays too. Only 4 more IVIG treatments to go! Good thing as my veins are seriously starting to boycot IV's (bruising, swelling, pain, having to try a few different veins...). Her nursery is decorated and I have just a few things left that I need before she gets here and have to clear some stuff out of her room but we're about as ready as we can be... Can't wait to schedule the c-section!

Ugh.

So this morning when I was waiting for IVIG I remembered that I had my glucose test done on Monday and since I hadn't heard anything I figured I was in the clear. Then the doctor called at lunch. I failed it by a couple points. Boooooo. So tomorrow at 0730 I have to go for the 3 hour test. Bleh. And I've also been pushed over borderline anemia and have to take iron supplements. Bleh x2. Here's hoping I pass tomorrow!

Less than 8 weeks!

Still nothing really to update about... Have been doing okay with the IVIG, just makes for a very long and boring Thursday. My old unitmate, Julie, was kind enough to send me a few seasons of NCIS so that helps make the time go by quickly :) Just had a good doctor's checkup last Monday and had a good ultrasound about 2 weeks ago. Our next doc appt/ultrasound is July 6 and then we leave for a weekend in Illinois. I'll be starting prednisone a week from Sunday. Whoohoo. Hopefully we'll get the c-section scheduled soon so we can announce Emma's birthday soon :) It's less than 8 weeks away though... crazy!

Nothing really new...

I had my 3rd IVIG on Thursday. So far so good, just a slight headache every now and then. After my 2nd treatment I had a bit of a hard time the following Sunday. A really bad headache, bad back/shoulder aches... Hoping this week doesn't have anything in store for me like that! The treatments aren't so bad. I get to the hospital early and wait for them to do their thing, which includes giving me 2 Benadryls after a very early morning so I end up sleeping most of the morning. Then my mom has been coming by around lunchtime so I get some food and we hang out for the afternoon. Meghan has come visiting twice which was great and saw Sandy once. Next week Andrew can finally be there a little too, his work schedule hasn't allowed it lately. Everything seems to be going well, my doctor comes over during my treatment to listen to Emma's heartbeat and all has been sounding good and she's bouncing around like crazy. The day before our 5th treatment we have another ultrasound! Can't wait to see her and how she's growing. It's hard to believe that in about 11 weeks she'll be here! I don't know if I'm ready for that!!!

IVIG

Had my first round of IVIG yesterday. We had to be at the hospital at 645a but unfortunately didn't get started till about 830a. I think they were a little busy and I don't think my orders had come thru correctly so they had to track them down. Basically it was just a looooooong boring day. They gave me benadryl and between that and the early morning, I just kind of laid down in the bed and zoned for hours on end. They were supposed to bump up the rate the IG was going thru the IV every 15 minutes (I started at 30 and could max out at 150) but because they were busy my nurse didn't come by every 15 minutes and I felt a little nauseous at one point so I only ever got up to 140. So I finally got out of there about 815p. Made for a very long day but totally worth it... I'll have to try and remember to take a picture of the IVIG bag... it's huuuuuuuuuge. They had me hooked up to the IVIG bag which held about 1250 ml of IG (which equals about 42 fl oz) and a little bag of saline which was normal sized at about 400 ml (which is only like 13 fl oz). I didn't get much of the saline, altogether I probably had about 47 fl oz added to my body... That's like one and a half large drinks at McDonald's. Oh well, I've heard the repeat times aren't as long, so here's hoping that next week I'm not there 14 hours!

Doc Appt

Today we went back to the doctor to kind of get established as official patients, get another ultrasound and figure out the setup for IVIG. They were really nice at the office, just a couple nurses and one doc and were all very friendly and helpful. Looks like everything is going well, Emma will probably end up being an August baby instead of a September baby, but it's not written in stone yet :) After we talked to the doc and nurses we had an ultrasound done and they of course focused a lot on her head and brain, both of which looked great. She has all 10 fingers and toes :) Got a few good profile pics this time and a few 3D shots (even got a 3D shot of her spine and ribs, kind of looks like a fish bone :)). Anyhow, so I start IVIG tomorrow at 6:45a (I skipped classes in college for being too early and they were all at least after 8a!) and they said to expect 8-10 hours so we'll see how it goes! Every week after my appointments I have to stop by the doctor for a quick heartbeat check on Emma and will be doing ultrasounds every 4 weeks unless otherwise needed. Still doing the highest dosage of IVIG and will start prednisone at 28 weeks until delivery which will probably be at 36 weeks. Most likely not going to be doing any invasive checking of Emma's platelets before delivery since Ben's case was so bad, and just in case her levels haven't gotten high enough yet, the testing could cause more harm than good. So now I'm off to eat some dinner and hopefully get to bed early!

God's Hand

If you had of asked me on any day closely following September 13th of last year where God was, I don't know that I could have answered. I went through a lot of questioning, guilt, anger, tears, fears, denial and just about every other emotion there is known to man. I had no idea why we had to lose our son after losing our first baby, Alex, too. It seemed completely unfair and wrong. I still don't know why we had to lose Ben, why he couldn't be like other NAIT babies that make it but might have some issues, but I believe one day I'll know, but when that day comes I'll be so happy to see my two children I probably won't care one bit. I do know that if it wasn't for Ben and what happened to him, and the fact that Andrew and I kind of flippantly decided to see the high risk specialist for the 20 week ultrasound, and that he was so on the ball about suggesting testing for us, and that they made this diagnosis only about a week later than they would regularly start treatment so we didn't really lose any time, I don't know what we would have done. Those were all God things for sure. It's still hard sometimes but I know that He loves us and He's not doing these things to hurt us. I'm just thankful that we know everything we do, we have the doctors that we do and Emma is getting the best treatment for a fighting chance that she can get right now. Off to the doctor now, and we should be getting an ultrasound so we can see her sweet face again. Friday will probably be my first treatment. I'm not really scared, just nervous I guess. I don't know what to expect... Probably just a big case of boredom. But they could have told me that standing on my head all day everyday was the treatment and I would do it without question. Anything for little Emma...

NAIT

Our 20 week ultrasound was done at a high risk office just to be on the safe side (and everything in the ultrasound was great) but the high risk doctor said that based on what he knew about Ben, it sounded like we may have a very rare condition that would in fact affect other pregnancies and we needed to be tested (Andrew and I). So we went in and had lots of blood drawn and overnighted to WI which was the closest place they do this testing. We got the results back yesterday that we do have this condition (the name is super weird, but the abbreviation is NAIT, you can find it on google, but there isn't much info due to it's rarity). At this point Emma hasn't been affected at all and she's fine. The treatment is mainly getting my immune system to stop 'attacking' her platelets. To do so I have to go in weekly for all day (8+ hours it sounds like) IVIG infusions until the end of the pregnancy (which may now end as early as 36 weeks). At 28 weeks I also have to start on prednisone until the end of the pregnancy. They're putting me on the highest does of each treatment for this condition since Ben was such a severe case. My care will be transferred to the high risk doctors and I will see them probably bi weekly and have to have at least monthly ultrasounds to check on little Emma. Prayers are very appreciated at this point!!!

It's a Girl!!

We had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday and everything looked great. They did a bit more in depth ultrasound considering our past history but they said that right now everything looks great with our Baby Girl :) We go to the doctor on Thursday for a checkup and to discuss the ultrasound.

18 wks 3 days

Nothing to really update on... for a few weeks now I've been able to feel baby every now and then. Exciting but since I don't feel often or strong, it tends to just make me worry more. On the 23rd we'll find out if it's a boy or girl!!! We're having a more detailed 20 wk done in order to have a little more peace of mind. Hopefully all goes well!!

Heartbeat

I've been all kinds of stressing out lately because I can't really feel baby yet to know if he/she is okay or not so I made a midway appointment to go hear the heartbeat :) All is going well :) I have another regular appointment on the 29th and then we get to schedule our ultrasound appointment :)))) I so can't wait to see if it's a little boy or girl :)))

Baby Brew #3!!!

So after a very difficult December (I kept having pregnancy symptoms but tests kept showing negative, and in general the roughness of the holidays) I decided to give 2011 one last chance to redeem itself and took a pregnancy test on the 31st.... Positive!!!!

I was in such disbelief that I rushed over to the fire department to tell Andrew in person. Unfortunately since it was a holiday weekend, I couldn't call the doctor until the 3rd. I talked to the nurse a bunch on the 3rd and she said basically all they could do early was do a blood test like that day and have me come in 2 days later to show my HCG levels rising... That would have been all well and good except we were leaving for Hawaii on the 5th so I couldn't get the retest. So we went to Hawaii and had a great time, except for the morning sickness that I had twice.

The day after we got back we saw the doctor and he ordered an ultrasound to date the pregnancy as we had no idea when I got pregnant. A week later we had the ultrasound and saw that everything looked good, a heart rate of 158. A week after that we went back to the doctor and he said it was too early to hear a heartbeat but everything seemed good again...

Had another doctor appointment on the 29th and all seemed well :) good heart rate of 159 and he pointed out when the baby moved (the doppler made a static-y noise).

So the due date is September 09 but since I'll have to have another c-section, baby will probably be born on September 03. Here's hoping all is well/goes well between now and then!!

Hawaii

I would give absolutely anything to not be leaving for Hawaii in less than a week... it would mean that Ben was here with us still and we didn't need a "get-away" or a "relaxation vacation".... I miss my little buddy so so much...

Holidays

I don't have a clue where to start. I just need to vent and write out feelings and this seemed as good of a place as any to do that. Thanksgiving wasn't has awful as I thought it would be, nor was Kate's wedding, but I am so so so dreading Christmas. I am usually so absurdly excited about Christmas... I put up my decorations the day after Thanksgiving and leave them up til New Year's Day. I watch the Muppet's Christmas Carol a billion times. I listen to tons of Trans Siberian Orchestra and see them in concert. I sit down and write out all my Christmas cards and wrap all my gifs with such care. I started to put up decorations today and it broke my heart. I couldn't stop crying while I did the decorations around the house or put up the lights outside. I had to toss "Baby's first Christmas" and a "Grandma loves you" ornament into the nursery... My heart is breaking so badly tonight. I can't even imagine how horrible it's going to be when it's really Christmas. I wanted to be able to go buy Ben his first Hallmark ornament instead of a "in memory of" ornament at the mall. I wanted to hang Ben's stocking by Andrew and mine, and not have to hang up Linus and Zoey's instead. I wanted to shop for his first Christmas outfit. I wanted to take all those billion of pictures of him picking out the Christmas tree why he's in a little snow suit and pictures decorating the tree and pictures by the tree... It was supposed to be a fun Christmas with two babies, now it's just going to be that much worse. I just wish my son was with us more than anything, ever... It just hurts so bad...

Heartbroken

Hard to believe that after my last post I did go into labor on my own... I had been having some pains at nite for a few nites... Monday during most of the day I was uncomfortabl but didn't honestly think I was in labor... By about 1030p on Monday evening, I was watching the Broncos game and the pains were getting more regular... I watched the game till about 2a when it ended, still in pain... Tried every possible position to sleep in (in bed, on the floor, in a chair) and nothing helped relieve the pain long enough to sleep... by about 4a I called the doc b/c I still wasn't sure about it really being labor b/c all my pain was down low and logically and from my memory (I was supposed to go to the doc on the 13th for probably the first appointment that they would probably discuss labor stuff)I thought that contractions should be high, not low... When I told her I wasn't sure I was in labor, I think she almost hung up on me! She then told me that it sounded like early labor and to just go to the hospital at 3-5 contractions... So I got in the shower to try and relieve the back pain I was having and by about 6 or 630, I think, I got Andrew up and we started to pack a bag for the hospital and get around to go.

Arrived at the hospital and got put into Triage... Waited there a bit and they got me on the monitors. They then got me into a labor and delivery room where they got my IV going and took blood samples. After a bit, the doc came into see us and explained they were a little concerned about Ben's heartrate not flucuating like it should and he showed us some other baby's heartrates and Ben's in comparison. He then broke my water with his fingers (ouuuuuuuuch) and said there wasn't much of a gush like there should be and he also put an internal monitor on Ben. Then he said he'd be back shortly after a few contractions and see what was happening then. About 20 minutes later he and the nurse came back and said that they weren't seeing an improvement in Ben's heartrate and that since I was only 75% effaced and about 2-3 cm dialated, they didn't think that Ben could go thru a day of labor and that they wanted to do an emergency Csection...

When they said emergency they weren't kidding! They had me in there in about 20 minutes, if that... At this point we still had no clue that something was actually *wrong*, just thought things weren't progressing like they should. They got me all set up in surgery and started going to town on the Csection (I've been told that non emergency ones aren't that bad, but this was a little rough, even though all I could feel were the tugging and pulling sensations). Ben was born at 1044a. They worked on him a bit to get him breathing on his own and such, but the first obvious problem was that his head was way larger than it should have been, making it obvious that he had fluid on the brain. They took Ben and Andrew to the special care nursery while they finished up my surgery and took me to recovery.

My mom joined me in recovery and we waited for Andrew or someone to come back with news... Andrew finally made his way to me telling me that not only did Ben have a lot of fluid on the brain, his lungs were underdeveloped and there were probably a few other things wrong. He went back with Ben and they took me to another room in labor and delivery (although I have no recollection of this room) and were going to bring Ben and Andrew to me. However, Andrew told the doctor in the SCN that there was no way he wanted to do anything other than try to get Cincinnati Children's to accept Ben and get a second opinion, so they took me to Ben and Andrew. We were with him while they prepped Ben for transport, got acceptance from Cincy and waited for Cincy to bring an ambulance, crew and doc to Kettering.

When they finally arrived, the doc from Cincy was also not very optimistic, but we told them we didn't care, we wanted him transferred so they could do more tests/exams and get more information. Andrew left with Ben, and his parents were going to meet him in Cincy while my parents stayed with me. I can't remember times but this was getting later on in the day... They moved me to Mom & Baby and we waited for word from Cincy... Andrew called eventually to tell me that the doctors down there were running tests, but a brain scan showed that Ben had suffered multiple bleeds on the brain at some point about 4-6 weeks prior to labor (which, by the way officially started on 36 weeks and 5 days, delivery on 36 weeks and 6 days). The doctors at Cincy said that the bleeds killed too much brain tissue to sustain Ben's life. We then arranged for transport of Ben back to Kettering as he was stable enough to do so and it was easier than getting me released to go to him.

After finding out the news I called my mom to come back to the hospital (she had gone home to get her dogs and take them to our house as she would spend the nite there with Andrew's parents since we'd be in the hospital) and my dad, mom and I waited for Ben & Andrew and his parents to get to Kettering. I think they got there about 10p or so...

After they got back to Kettering, they got Ben set up in the SCN again and took the grandparents down so they could see him a last time, and then took me down so that Andrew and I could finally hold our son, take him off the life support and say goodbye. Like I said, I think we went down there about 11p maybe and they pronounced Ben at about 212a... It's so hard for me to believe we were there with him for 3 hours... Seems like it was much quicker and slower than that at the same time. Definitely the most precious 3 hours of our lives though. Ben held on and fought for quite a bit after the support was taken off... probably about 2 hours on his own. He was such a brave little fighter.

After we said goodbye we went back to our parents and they left a little later and we tried to sleep (after all, I had at least been up for about 36 hours or so by that point...)... The next day we had a lot of nurses, doctors, etc coming and going and thankfully my doctor agreed to let me go home that day. Andrew and I were home by about 6p... The next day we went to the funeral home for arrangements and spent time with our parents...

Friday morning was the second worse day of the whole ordeal as we laid Ben's body to rest at 10a in a private graveside service. It was absolutely lovely but so heartbreaking...

It's so hard to comprehend that September 13, 2011 started off as the most exciting and terrifying day, and soon became just the most terrifying and that September 14, 2011 would soon become the hardest, worst day of our lives, and that September 16, 2011 would be the day that we would lay our son's earthly body to rest. It's so hard to know that the blanket and outfit and hat that we took for Ben's coming home outfit would end up being the last outfit his earthly body would have on. It's so hard to be in a house without our son, after all we did to prepare his room and our new life as a family of 3. It's so hard to be just a family of 2 after all of that anticipation and preparation.

I know that right now, Andrew and I are going to grieve as much as we can, as best as we can and try to figure out where life goes from here. I can't be more grateful for my husband, our parents, our family and our friends. Thanks for your support, comfort, prayers, and, at this time, space. Please know that while you may feel like you're not doing enough or the right thing, you are. We appreciate everything. But most of all, we appreciate that God gave us 15 hours and 26 minutes with our precious, perfect son. While we selfishly wanted to much more than that, Ben is in the most perfect place for him right now, where he can play with his older brother or sister, our loved ones that have passed and all our little dogs and other pets that are up there :) Letting him go after loving him for 36 weeks and 6 days was the hardest thing we've ever had to do, but I couldn't begin to wish for a better life or body for him than the one he has now.

37 weeks yet?

Nothing really new on the baby front... the last 3 days/nites I've really started to get super uncomfortable so I'm getting awfully anxious for this boy to make his appearance... There's a girl we knew in college that had the same due date as me and she already had the baby... lucky! Oh well, doctor tomorrow so we'll see if there's any news!

It's already September???

Went to the doctor yesterday... she said everything looked fabulous (my weight gain, where I'm holding all that weight, my blood pressure, Ben's heart rate, his movement). She also pointed out where he was sitting and showed us his butt, foot, back, etc. Pretty neat to finally know what was what :) She also said that if I go to my due date (which there was no indication that I won't) he'll be around a 7.5-8 lb baby... But she quickly changed that when I told her I failed my first glucose test but past the 2nd... She said women that do that tend to have bigger babies... So we're probably looking at least an 8 lber. Which is a-ok with me :)