Hawaii

I would give absolutely anything to not be leaving for Hawaii in less than a week... it would mean that Ben was here with us still and we didn't need a "get-away" or a "relaxation vacation".... I miss my little buddy so so much...

Holidays

I don't have a clue where to start. I just need to vent and write out feelings and this seemed as good of a place as any to do that. Thanksgiving wasn't has awful as I thought it would be, nor was Kate's wedding, but I am so so so dreading Christmas. I am usually so absurdly excited about Christmas... I put up my decorations the day after Thanksgiving and leave them up til New Year's Day. I watch the Muppet's Christmas Carol a billion times. I listen to tons of Trans Siberian Orchestra and see them in concert. I sit down and write out all my Christmas cards and wrap all my gifs with such care. I started to put up decorations today and it broke my heart. I couldn't stop crying while I did the decorations around the house or put up the lights outside. I had to toss "Baby's first Christmas" and a "Grandma loves you" ornament into the nursery... My heart is breaking so badly tonight. I can't even imagine how horrible it's going to be when it's really Christmas. I wanted to be able to go buy Ben his first Hallmark ornament instead of a "in memory of" ornament at the mall. I wanted to hang Ben's stocking by Andrew and mine, and not have to hang up Linus and Zoey's instead. I wanted to shop for his first Christmas outfit. I wanted to take all those billion of pictures of him picking out the Christmas tree why he's in a little snow suit and pictures decorating the tree and pictures by the tree... It was supposed to be a fun Christmas with two babies, now it's just going to be that much worse. I just wish my son was with us more than anything, ever... It just hurts so bad...

Heartbroken

Hard to believe that after my last post I did go into labor on my own... I had been having some pains at nite for a few nites... Monday during most of the day I was uncomfortabl but didn't honestly think I was in labor... By about 1030p on Monday evening, I was watching the Broncos game and the pains were getting more regular... I watched the game till about 2a when it ended, still in pain... Tried every possible position to sleep in (in bed, on the floor, in a chair) and nothing helped relieve the pain long enough to sleep... by about 4a I called the doc b/c I still wasn't sure about it really being labor b/c all my pain was down low and logically and from my memory (I was supposed to go to the doc on the 13th for probably the first appointment that they would probably discuss labor stuff)I thought that contractions should be high, not low... When I told her I wasn't sure I was in labor, I think she almost hung up on me! She then told me that it sounded like early labor and to just go to the hospital at 3-5 contractions... So I got in the shower to try and relieve the back pain I was having and by about 6 or 630, I think, I got Andrew up and we started to pack a bag for the hospital and get around to go.

Arrived at the hospital and got put into Triage... Waited there a bit and they got me on the monitors. They then got me into a labor and delivery room where they got my IV going and took blood samples. After a bit, the doc came into see us and explained they were a little concerned about Ben's heartrate not flucuating like it should and he showed us some other baby's heartrates and Ben's in comparison. He then broke my water with his fingers (ouuuuuuuuch) and said there wasn't much of a gush like there should be and he also put an internal monitor on Ben. Then he said he'd be back shortly after a few contractions and see what was happening then. About 20 minutes later he and the nurse came back and said that they weren't seeing an improvement in Ben's heartrate and that since I was only 75% effaced and about 2-3 cm dialated, they didn't think that Ben could go thru a day of labor and that they wanted to do an emergency Csection...

When they said emergency they weren't kidding! They had me in there in about 20 minutes, if that... At this point we still had no clue that something was actually *wrong*, just thought things weren't progressing like they should. They got me all set up in surgery and started going to town on the Csection (I've been told that non emergency ones aren't that bad, but this was a little rough, even though all I could feel were the tugging and pulling sensations). Ben was born at 1044a. They worked on him a bit to get him breathing on his own and such, but the first obvious problem was that his head was way larger than it should have been, making it obvious that he had fluid on the brain. They took Ben and Andrew to the special care nursery while they finished up my surgery and took me to recovery.

My mom joined me in recovery and we waited for Andrew or someone to come back with news... Andrew finally made his way to me telling me that not only did Ben have a lot of fluid on the brain, his lungs were underdeveloped and there were probably a few other things wrong. He went back with Ben and they took me to another room in labor and delivery (although I have no recollection of this room) and were going to bring Ben and Andrew to me. However, Andrew told the doctor in the SCN that there was no way he wanted to do anything other than try to get Cincinnati Children's to accept Ben and get a second opinion, so they took me to Ben and Andrew. We were with him while they prepped Ben for transport, got acceptance from Cincy and waited for Cincy to bring an ambulance, crew and doc to Kettering.

When they finally arrived, the doc from Cincy was also not very optimistic, but we told them we didn't care, we wanted him transferred so they could do more tests/exams and get more information. Andrew left with Ben, and his parents were going to meet him in Cincy while my parents stayed with me. I can't remember times but this was getting later on in the day... They moved me to Mom & Baby and we waited for word from Cincy... Andrew called eventually to tell me that the doctors down there were running tests, but a brain scan showed that Ben had suffered multiple bleeds on the brain at some point about 4-6 weeks prior to labor (which, by the way officially started on 36 weeks and 5 days, delivery on 36 weeks and 6 days). The doctors at Cincy said that the bleeds killed too much brain tissue to sustain Ben's life. We then arranged for transport of Ben back to Kettering as he was stable enough to do so and it was easier than getting me released to go to him.

After finding out the news I called my mom to come back to the hospital (she had gone home to get her dogs and take them to our house as she would spend the nite there with Andrew's parents since we'd be in the hospital) and my dad, mom and I waited for Ben & Andrew and his parents to get to Kettering. I think they got there about 10p or so...

After they got back to Kettering, they got Ben set up in the SCN again and took the grandparents down so they could see him a last time, and then took me down so that Andrew and I could finally hold our son, take him off the life support and say goodbye. Like I said, I think we went down there about 11p maybe and they pronounced Ben at about 212a... It's so hard for me to believe we were there with him for 3 hours... Seems like it was much quicker and slower than that at the same time. Definitely the most precious 3 hours of our lives though. Ben held on and fought for quite a bit after the support was taken off... probably about 2 hours on his own. He was such a brave little fighter.

After we said goodbye we went back to our parents and they left a little later and we tried to sleep (after all, I had at least been up for about 36 hours or so by that point...)... The next day we had a lot of nurses, doctors, etc coming and going and thankfully my doctor agreed to let me go home that day. Andrew and I were home by about 6p... The next day we went to the funeral home for arrangements and spent time with our parents...

Friday morning was the second worse day of the whole ordeal as we laid Ben's body to rest at 10a in a private graveside service. It was absolutely lovely but so heartbreaking...

It's so hard to comprehend that September 13, 2011 started off as the most exciting and terrifying day, and soon became just the most terrifying and that September 14, 2011 would soon become the hardest, worst day of our lives, and that September 16, 2011 would be the day that we would lay our son's earthly body to rest. It's so hard to know that the blanket and outfit and hat that we took for Ben's coming home outfit would end up being the last outfit his earthly body would have on. It's so hard to be in a house without our son, after all we did to prepare his room and our new life as a family of 3. It's so hard to be just a family of 2 after all of that anticipation and preparation.

I know that right now, Andrew and I are going to grieve as much as we can, as best as we can and try to figure out where life goes from here. I can't be more grateful for my husband, our parents, our family and our friends. Thanks for your support, comfort, prayers, and, at this time, space. Please know that while you may feel like you're not doing enough or the right thing, you are. We appreciate everything. But most of all, we appreciate that God gave us 15 hours and 26 minutes with our precious, perfect son. While we selfishly wanted to much more than that, Ben is in the most perfect place for him right now, where he can play with his older brother or sister, our loved ones that have passed and all our little dogs and other pets that are up there :) Letting him go after loving him for 36 weeks and 6 days was the hardest thing we've ever had to do, but I couldn't begin to wish for a better life or body for him than the one he has now.

37 weeks yet?

Nothing really new on the baby front... the last 3 days/nites I've really started to get super uncomfortable so I'm getting awfully anxious for this boy to make his appearance... There's a girl we knew in college that had the same due date as me and she already had the baby... lucky! Oh well, doctor tomorrow so we'll see if there's any news!

It's already September???

Went to the doctor yesterday... she said everything looked fabulous (my weight gain, where I'm holding all that weight, my blood pressure, Ben's heart rate, his movement). She also pointed out where he was sitting and showed us his butt, foot, back, etc. Pretty neat to finally know what was what :) She also said that if I go to my due date (which there was no indication that I won't) he'll be around a 7.5-8 lb baby... But she quickly changed that when I told her I failed my first glucose test but past the 2nd... She said women that do that tend to have bigger babies... So we're probably looking at least an 8 lber. Which is a-ok with me :)

Less than 6 weeks??

This month has been busy but fun... Andrew and I celebrated our 4 yr anniversary & my birthday at the beginning of the month... I worked my last few weeks (last day was the 20th!)... Andrew's parents came to visit for a few days... Andrew & I went to Indy for a quick 'babymoon'/celebrated his birthday... Tomorrow is my mom's birthday so I'll be hanging out with her... Definitely been pretty busy... But that's good because I don't know how well I'm going to take to unemployment and not having a baby to keep me busy...

We met with a pediatrician today that we really liked (yay!) so I sent in my pre-registration for the hospital (OH MY GOSH). Every little thing keeps making it more and more real... finding a doctor for him, registering at the hospital, soon I'll be having weekly appointments... All so crazy, but totally exciting :))

August, finally!

Nothing new to report on the Ben front... we go into the doctor on the 4th and then we start going every 2 weeks... Scary to think we're getting so close!!!
Yesterday my sister had her baby, a girl named Eleanor Hill Abels... Everyone is doing well as far as I know :)
Otherwise I continue to get bigger and little things become more and more uncomfortable, but it's all so exciting and totally worth it :) Ben's going to get some yummy food soon as this is the month of celebration in our little family! My mother-in-law's birthday, our anniversary, my birthday, Andrew's birthday and my mom's birthday (whew!). Andrew and I are going to celebrate our anniversary on the 4th as I work in the evening on our anniversary and my birthday (bummer) and then we'll go out again probably mid month for a co-birthday dinner somewhere else nice. And I quit working on the 20th! That probably deserves another good meal somewhere too :)) I don't know what I'm going to do for a month and a half-ish of no work... I've been working for the past 10.5 years and it will be so weird to have *nothing* to do... Oh well, I suppose I should be grateful for some down time before Ben comes to keep me extra busy!!

Belly movement

Yesterday Andrew got to see my belly move for the first time... I so wish that I had of had a camera to catch his expression... He was expecting like a little ripple, not a full on quake :)

3D ultrasound

We had our 3d ultrasound yesterday (exactly 3 months before the due date :)). It was a lot of fun to see him like that, but he was an absolute stinker!! The first second that we could start seeing him he had both of his feet in his face and an arm behind the head... He would then move really quick and then get right back into a bad position. It took a while and a lot of tapping my belly, having me roll over this way and that and coaxing to get some good shots... still don't have like a full face shot, but we do have some cute pics. He yawned once while we were watching him, stuck his tongue out at us and we even got a smile out of him :) So very precious!

Where does the time go?

Less than 100 days left, only one more week till the 3rd trimester, less than 2 months of work and we're going back to get our 3D ultrasound already! Where does the time go??? Nothing new really, we'll get to see Ben again next Tuesday evening, can't wait :) Go see the doc again on the 8th and also have dentist and dermatologist appointments coming up soon too. Busy few weeks. :)

Good Test

Just got my test results back and no diabetes here! So very happy about that... A little irritated that I had to go thru that ordeal but better to be safe than sorry when it comes to the diagnosis. If you ever need to have the diabetes test done, don't eat Chipotle before you go in...

Baby Showers and Sweetness

Andrew and I just got back for a mini vacation to Illinois... Had lots of fun visiting family and had a wonderful baby shower (I'll post some pictures to Facebook later). I had my gestational diabetes test on the Monday before we left, and Wednesday while we were driving I got a call from my doc saying that I 'failed' my 1 hour test... So today I had to go in at 8a, after not eating for 12 hours, and have my blood taken 4 times over a 3 hour period. I feel that 4 vials of blood is excessive for a glucose test... can't you just prick my finger and write down the number??? Sigh. Here's hoping I 'pass' this test...

ER visit

Today was lots of fun... not :) I slipped and fell at home in our kitchen and busted my elbow open, hit my head and luckily landed totally on my side. Went to the ER for an X-ray, tetanus shot and a couple of stitches. I feel more than slightly embarrassed that the only reason I fell on my elbow and didn't try to break my fall with my hand was because I had a big thing of ice cream in my hands... that and it happened too fast to react... Sigh, guess I'm better off with stitches in the elbow rather than a broken wrist... In the past week and a half, I've had to deal with a car insurance claim, a homeowners insurance claim, and have had to use our medical and visual insurance... I'm so sick of the past few weeks!

lil kicker :)

Nothing new to really report... for the past week-ish Ben's been kicking a lot more, which is cool and creepy at the same time :) Today Andrew *finally* got to feel him kick. He said that it was creepy... I told him it's not nearly as creepy as having it going on inside you :)

20 weeks

Today we went in for the 20 week anatomy ultrasound and another check up... Ultrasound went well. First shot confirmed it's definitely a boy (he wasn't shy this time :)). He was super wiggly but they got all the shots they needed and they said that from everything they can see, he looks healthy. His head and leg measured around 20 weeks, but his belly was about 22 or 23 weeks I believe. Not enough to change anything, but he's probably going to take after mom and dad and be a chubby baby... He's only 13 oz now tho. Heartbeat was good and that's about all that we went over...

Our Ohio shower was on Sunday and it was lovely! My mom threw it and I believe everyone had a nice time. Yummy food, good company and lots of necessary gifts for the little one :) Pictures of ultrasound & shower on facebook :)

it's a boy!

Benjamin Lawrence Brewer :) No doubt about it! very squiggly wiggly guy in there :)

movement

Today I felt the baby move for the first time (at least the first time that I was sure it was baby)! So awesome, and totally creepy at the same time. I was in the car at a drive thru and I could feel he/she kind of flip in my belly... guess he/she was hungry!

impatience :)

Due to our (okay, my) impatience, we're going to get an 'elective' ultrasound next Thursday at noon. It won't be 3D/4D as it's still too early for that, will be just a plain 2D but as long as baby cooperates we'll be able to find out if it's a boy or a girl in there :)))) Now, we may keep the results under our hats for a bit after finding out, but we'll eventually tell, and I'll post pictures that don't give it away afterwards :)

Relief :)

Had another doctor's appointment today and heard Baby Brew's heartbeat again :) 153 today. Such relief knowing everything is okay. Made our next doctor's appointment and our 20 week ultrasound appointment for May 18th. Although we may go somewhere for an 'elective ultrasound' so we can find out what Baby Brew is sooner :))))

Heartbeat

Today was our doctor's appointment and we could hear the heartbeat! There is no way I could describe the relief when the Dr. found the heartbeat right away and that it sounded 'perfect' (her words). I think I would have freaked if it was hard to find or such... Anyhow, the heartbeat was 163 bpm and she said that was perfect for how far along I am... Haven't gained much weight but that should change soon... Otherwise everything seems to be going quite well :) Next appointment is on April 21 (will be 16 weeks, 1 day) and then we'll make the next appointment then, somewhere for 4 weeks later, and also make the appointment for the ultrasound... The next 8 weeks can't possibly go by quick enough until we see our baby again!!

Sick. Bleh.

Nothing new to report... I'm anxiously awaiting our next appointment and have a huge range of emotions about it (excited, scared, happy, worried, etc). On top of the usual 1st trimester exhaustion I now have a head cold. Joys. Oh well, could be worse :)

Baby Brew #2 :)

After depriving myself of caffeine for months because I read it can hinder conception, it finally paid off! Had the first trimester ultrasound on March 02 :) 9 weeks along, didn't get to see much as (I believe) baby was upside down and backwards so he/she pretty much just looked like a blob, not much definition. Saw the heartbeat tho and that's what's important :) We're super excited but I'm also all kinds of nervous after what happened last time. I'll feel better once we get through our second doctor's appointment with good news (we didn't get that far last time), which is 3 weeks from the ultrasound. Anyhow, nothing else exciting for now!